Healing of Motherhood
by Kate McEwan
Welcoming an Incoming Soul!
I was drifting off to sleep one night, when I had a kind of waking dream.
I was in that blissful state of heaviness when you feel engulfed by sleep
but are still slightly aware. What I experienced felt just like a dream,
and yet I knew with absolute certainty that I was awake.
I saw a little boy of about 6 or 7 before me playing. He was wearing a serious expression, utterly absorbed in what he was doing. He turned and fixed his large eyes on me and said “I’m David.” “What are you going to do?” I asked him. “I’m going to be a painter.” That was it. Startled, I awoke to write it down.
A few days
before this, I had my second miscarriage. It was extremely painful and
I had ended up in hospital, just as I had with the first one. Distraught
and feeling very depressed, I was finding it hard to cope. But something
prompted me to take care of myself. I decided to buy myself a treat, and
ordered a book called The Cosmic Cradle from Watkins Books in London.
Clearing the Way
It was a
book devoted entirely to preconception, and I was unprepared for its size
when it arrived a few days later. It was massive! I read it cover to cover,
which I found out later was not how the authors had anticipated it would be
used. Apparently they were very surprised to hear that I had a copy in the
UK, and that I had read the whole thing.
Reading it reinforced in me the sense that I had in some way connected with my son. I was as certain as I could be that I would have this child, but I also knew that something in me had to shift before I could bring that into reality. For some time I’d been aware that there was some block in me.
I had done some shamanic work and knew I had anger issues to resolve but had no idea how. Right at the end of The Cosmic Cradle was a chapter by a woman named Lania Desmond who shared many profound experiences. I felt an instant connection with her as she described some of her experiences with her mother.
What took my breath away however, was the way she viewed her mother. Even though she had been treated miserably, Lania described her mother as a magnificent Soul who had really loved her, for it had taken a profound being to agree to play that role for her. I knew without any doubt that if anyone could help me, this woman could.
The following day, I went online and put Lania’s name into a search engine. Finding her website, I discovered that she offered a healing process called Soulpoint. Warily (because it was expensive), I emailed her. We made the arrangements, and I began to work with her. We covered the normal series of sessions, and I continued with her on the advanced course. I began to feel better about myself than I ever had.
For me, the most critical work we did was releasing the rage I had been carrying all my life. My mother was volatile and often violent. She made it clear to me when I was growing up that as one of twins, I had been one too many children for her, and that she never wanted me.
Working with Lania, I was able to let go of my feelings of anger and resentment but also learn from them. It became obvious to me that it was these emotions against my own mother that had been blocking me from being able to carry a baby full term.
In releasing them, I began to feel a sense of peace and connectedness with myself that I had never experienced. I became calmer and more content as the work we did began to shift every area of my life.
When we began, I was already certain I was pregnant, which was confirmed a few weeks later. Far from being excited, I was terribly worried about another miscarriage. I shared my fears with Lania, who reassured me that everything now would be fine. To be honest, it wasn’t until I had my second scan that I began to relax and believe that things would be ok.
The scans
were incredible. On the first one at 12 weeks, David did a complete somersault,
much to our amazement. At 20 weeks, he was lying back with one hand behind
his ear. On both occasions I had to stop myself from crying with relief
that everything was ok.
Intuitive Communication
The rest
of the pregnancy was very smooth. I had regular reflexology and put on
70 lbs, which was quite enormous for me. Yet, I had never felt so attractive.
What no one else knew was that I was engaged in an almost constant dialogue
with my son, something Lania had taught me was possible.
We chatted about everything, and he had opinions on everything, even my friends. When he liked someone he would kick me like crazy, and so I fell into the habit of spending more time with the people he liked. I developed weekly lunching dates with one friend he adored and started spending a lot of time with other pregnant women. I went to pregnancy yoga every week and met women with whom I became best friends.
The work I had done with Lania supported all these changes and helped me to feel confident in myself and in my ability to meet the challenges ahead. It also helped new, healthy beliefs about motherhood to crystallize. With David’s input, I became very clear on the kind of mother I wanted to be and was able to focus on my needs and David’s, and this has continued.
There
is no doubt in my mind that my bond with David was first formed the night
of the dream. With a new awareness of what was possible, I was able to
strengthen that bond during the pregnancy and forge a very real link with
my son. This extra awareness has continued to color our relationship and
has made our journey much richer.
Kate
McEwan is 30 years old and lives in the United Kingdom. She is a qualified
Reflexologist but is currently devoting her time to being a full-time
mother for her 2-year-old son David.
First published in the October, 2006 issue of Spirit in the Smokies, Magazine of New Paradigm Living (www.spiritinthesmokies.com).
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